I just wish I patched things up better.
My load is getting lighter.
Seven weeks until second semester. I can do it.
Hopefully, the college admissions process will be done by Christmas. *knock on wood*
I got into colleges this weekend, 2 for 2 so far. I saw one of my closest friends this weekend for the first time in 1.5 years. I realized that I let way too many people from both home and camp slip out of my life under really superficial circumstances. I let my love life fade and my social life crumble.
I fell in love with New York and didn’t want to leave it. I could forget my entire world and learn the ways of a new one.
This whole college apps nonsense is starting to wear me down. ED will be done this week. Maybe then I can get some real sleep.
WHY THE FUCK DID I LOOK FORWARD TO SENIOR YEAR
SENIOR YEAR IS SO MUCH WORSE
I DON’T FEEL LIKE A PERSON ANYMORE
I’m feeling increasingly black and white.
I told myself I wouldn’t fall in love with an Ivy League school and then Cornell happened.
So I uploaded 3 pictures from the Panic! show at the piazza yesterday and gained 12 followers and got 2700 notes… Good haul.
Shit. Um. Uhhh. Err… Fuck.
How does one talk to cute european girls without, ya know, dying?
I have come to the long-thought out conclusion that no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I hate the main line in whatever form it manifests itself. It’s this complicated conglomerate of longing for where I came from, the stress that comes with the life of a high school student at LM, and the flagrant opportunism of nearly every single child born and raised here.
I was born in Madison Wisconsin, a land now filled with Scott Walker fascism and teacher-induced rage, but then a landscape much more quaint than suburban Philadelphia. My parents were engaged in the academe as they are now and the stress wasn’t there, on my parents or on me. I moved here from Fiesolé, a Tuscan comune with a breathtakingly scenic view of Florence, and I’m still not sure why we ever left. I receive an undoubtedly top-tier public education here, but that’s about all the merits the main line has in comparison to where I came from. However, even that has its fundamental flaws. The competition and stress level that comes with being an LM student is so fierce that it has mentally debilitated people, many with whom I had developed close bonds. That would not have nearly been the case had I stayed in Madison and gone to West instead. The whole opportunism thing applies here as well. In no other place in mine or my father’s times have either of us encountered people who compete not for the purpose of success, but for the purpose of mere superiority. In no other place have we encountered people so insensitive toward the feelings of others simply because of the situation into which they were birthed. Wealthy overprotective parents, discounted tuitions and legacy admissions have been and always will be the law of the land, and children will forever confuse what they have achieved with what their parents have bought for them.
I’m always holding onto stars.
It’s been about a million and some years since I’ve posted.
For the past 5 weeks I’ve been caught up in the summer school storm, learning about the Senate Appropriations Committee and the jurisdiction of the US Court of Federal Claims. I’ve used the time to sort of segue away from the girl I’d put all my hopes into while getting into the concert photography fray and applying to college.
I miss camp to death. I miss the darkroom and the theater and all the times my bunk and I stayed up to talk. I miss the staff, I miss the drama that wasn’t real drama, I miss the heart to hearts, and I miss the beautiful and talented people I loved. It’s hard to cope with the fact that it won’t be a part of my life until I’m at least 20, and it just seems like far too long to wait. I tried to put my school together in the same way camp did but it didn’t wind up working, just getting me my fair share of enemies.
I started a tumblr for my photos, so if the few people who read this could follow me if they don’t already, I’d be greatly appreciative.
Shot at The Neighbourhood show yesterday. It was killin.